put down your pencils

18Jul05

many women complain that only men would design such torturous garments as bras, pantyhose and high heeled shoes. they think that men do these things just to make womens’ lives awful in the name of sexiness or sex. in some ways they’re right, but they don’t just do it to women, men design awful things for themselves too or worse adopt designs from women that are supposed to be “freeing” but wind up being binding. warning, going any further in this post, you will come across mention of male genitalia, if that weirds you out, jump down to the next post.

take for example, the “contour pouch” underwear craze. men want to enhance the look of their packages in their pants. a full basket makes you look hot, these men think. so a man (yes a man) designs underwear that comes under the package and then bulges out in front to hold all your goods (no matter how much or little of them you got) out right between your legs. only in order to create this nice pouch for the family jewels to live in, there needs to be a seam right down the center of your crotch. it’s the only way the pouch can hold the right shape.

well that seam, it chafes the shit out of your cock. i mean i’m not exactly HUGE and i still rub against it. and it fuckin hurts. that’s some seriously sensitive skin there, you know? but 2(x)ist sold it to us and suckers that we gay men our for displaying our virility, we bought it. and then we realized how fucking uncomfortable it was. so now, the gays are going back to plain “y front” style tight whities. of course they’re small and cute so we can still wear our low-rise jeans, but we’re over the chafing contour pouch undies. of course since we made them so popular, now every brand is doing it. go into a department store and everyone from calvin klein to friggin hanes has a contour pouch. and men will buy them. and they will suffer. and i fear many will not be smart enough to find something else for a few years, and i pity their dicks.

my other major discomfort? fucking “ergonomic” bike saddles that are supposed to save your prostate. georgina terry first developed this design for women so that saddles didn’t rub chicks’ yonnis. women praised the design. men said, finally now my girlfriend will stop complaining and go for a ride with me. meanwhile most men were comfortable on the nearly non existent flight saddles. we just needed a very small, very flat, very forgiving piece of padded plastic between our legs and we were happy. but fat asses see that fuckin big cushy terry saddle with the hole in the middle and think “that looks comfortable” so bike companies are forced to adapt the design to men. but you know what? it doesn’t fucking work.

if you are a man with any muscletone at all, your thighs are awfully close together. there’s not a whole lot of space between mens’ thighs to begin with. we’re just built that way. then add a little muscle, like i dunno the kind you might develop when riding a bike and all of a sudden your legs rub against each other, at least at the top of the thigh. so is it any surprise that if a bicycle saddle is at all thick or wide in the front, where your thighs are, it is awkward at the least and uncomfortable at the worst? add to that georgina’s wonderful hole. the hole itself isn’t the problem, well it sort of is the problem. it’s position precariously near the scrotum, which provides ample opportunity for your sack to get pinched in the saddle. OUCH. then there are ridges around the hole which totally press up against your balls. the entire contraption is just awful.

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