the second gayest thing i ever said


so tonight i stick around to lift after kickboxing. as i’m workin out, jeff has the beginner class doing this fairly complicated arm bar take down. he threw in a couple kicks and two hand changes in addition to standard block punch > get arm bar > take opponent down thing. the two guys closest to the weights are really new and having a helluva time. so i manage to help ’em along a little in between sets.

so the class finishes and eventually i finish workin out too and i’m headed down to the locker and there’s the same two guys, still trying to work out this takedown. so i volunteer to guide them through it. neither of the guys are really getting the armbar, even if they get the other steps. i realize the problem is that when they take down their opponent, they’re pushing him away, making a good armbar submission impossible.

so i explain to them that they need to keep their opponent close, not throw him away (though i explain that throwing an opponent away is certainly an acceptable thing to do in certain situations, like when you’re tossing him into a wall). i go on to sorta explain this aikido principle where to make sure that your opponent lands where you want him to, you think about that spot as you take him down. so what do i say to apply this principle to the situation at hand? “you’re trying to put your opponent right between your legs, like he’s gonna suck your cock.” yah. i didn’t even realize it came out like that until a few minutes later.

and that’s only the second gayest thing i said? i know!!! just after the millennium, my old boss lisa was throwing a party in her swanky loft with her too rich for his own good boyfriend. i brought a couple of my pals and at some point her boyfriend decides to give one of them a hard time for what he’s wearing. turning the attention on himself he says “check this out, it’s armani” which instantly woke up the queen in me who answered “that doesn’t change the fact that it’s a sweater vest.” which fuckin cracked up everyone at his party at his expense, of course. that was the gayest thing i ever said.


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