they clasped their hands together and screamed “kill!”


johnny and i had one of the most intensely personal conversations we’ve had in a while today. we spent days together bullshitting about everything and talking about a few serious things here and there too. then, in the car on the way back to the airport, we start talking. well actually john starts talking. i listen for the most part.

i’d feel bad writing about the details of our conversation here. i don’t think the possibility i might blog it was one of those things that john was going to think about before our heart to heart. so i will leave out the aspects of john’s life that we talked about. they’re for him, not me, to share. but we uncovered some things about me too.

i have been very lucky. especially lucky. i was able to meet an amazing group of friends in school. 6 or 7 guys who i would do anything for at any time and i know they would do the same. but i have been more lucky than most in that i have been able to meet additional friends who i feel the same way about since i left school. most of them i have met in san francisco, or at least met once i moved to sf. every friend i’ve met, whether in college or sf, i have a great deal in common with. we have similar tastes in many things, but we still have many differences. differences i often admire these people for.

because i date the same sex i am friends with i don’t judge what makes a good date or lover or boyfriend separately from what makes a good friend. my rich and varied friends, all of whom i share inseparable bonds and many commonalities with, have spoiled me for dating. i find it nearly impossible to find a man worth dating because i have so many good friends and i’d like to find a man who could live up to any of them – both in similarities in differences. and those men are few and far between, even in SF.

unfortunately, knowing why i’m alone doesn’t make me any less alone


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