closer together, further apart

18Jan06

i was going to write the totally depressing story of my dad dying tonight. really i was gonna detail all the crap that went on 15 years ago today. but the truth is, i’m not sad about it. i think if anything i’m only sad that i’m more like my dad than i wanted to be. my dad wasn’t all bad, but honestly, the last thing i want people to do is tell me i’m like my dad. my mom doesn’t say it because well, i think she knows how i feel about him. but i suspect others in my family say it, either because it’s true or because they somehow want me to carry him on in some way. and that, in short, is why i don’t talk to most of my dad’s family.

see, i know it’s terrible to say but i think my mum and i are both better off without my dad. my dad dying freed me to accept myself as the homo i am. and it freed my mom to become a whole different person – an adventurous, open minded, financially care free person. and now my mom and i get along on a whole different level that we simply could not before.

what should have been a tragedy, and certainly made us depressed and angry and all that shit for a year. the event that ruined both my mom’s and my birthday for one year, and i’m sure still haunts my mom’s birthday every year, turned out not to be bad years later. honestly i don’t know what would have happened, what kind of person i’d be today, if my dad had lived.

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