fuckin faggot

10Jul07

it’s been a long long time since i’ve heard those words, but reading this summary of a study by a Berkeley prof about anti-gay discrimination in teen culture brings back alot of memories. during the first half of my life, i went through alot of pain because of the word fag. i wasn’t super effeminate, but i certainly was going to meet society’s expectations for what a masculine guy was supposed to be. i sucked at sports and hated watching them more than i hated playing. i wasn’t into cars either, and i spent alot of time rebelling against anything even remotely masculine that i wound up liking later on simply because my parents or anyone else wanted me to be into them. so yah, i found out what fag meant.
and then i started to grow up. i stopped doing shit just to rebel and started doing things i liked – many of which are perceived as far more masculine. this coincided alot with me going away to college and so i got to start over, no fag stigma or history attached. i was around new people who talked a new way and so i got to learn that gay wasn’t an insult related to sexuality. it just meant dumb. and it was difficult for me to come to terms with that. especially when considering just how negative the word fag is. my new friends would constantly use the epithet gay – rarely to describe people – most often to describe a stupid or absurd situation. “they make you do that? that’s so gay!” but fag, fag was still an insult. one that thankfully my friends didn’t use except in rare cases. fag is tied intimately to our concept of masculinity. something which i first appreciated when the excessively politically correct early 90s began to fade and it was ok for guys to be guys again. there was something refreshing about confident masculinity back then. and then things went too far. as they are wont to do.

at some point the evangelicals turned what could have been something awesome into something freakish. masculinity became the ultimate control of the man again. the eschewing of anything even remotely perceived of as feminine, and the ostracism of gays with a renewed vigor unseen since well, modern day west and central africa. so many gays had come so far during the more tolerant 90s. but the new millenium brought new struggles. and i suspect to adapt to new society, hyper masculinity took a role in gay society again. this time it wasn’t just for fetish, this time it echoed this same sort of adolescent mentality that we were seeing in intolerant adults.

gay men split into 3 factions. one chunk calling each other girl, she, bitch, etc. attempting to own the feminine. one chunk being super macho often taking the roids and calling effeminate gays fags and queers as though their masculinity made them superior in the same way evangelicals might act. and a third group standing their with jaws dropped wondering what the fuck was going on. the same divisions we see in adolescent men of all sexual persuasions has returned in adult gays, and just at the time where it finally seems safe for most adolescents to come to grips with their sexuality.

recently their was a big fracas bringing this to light as a couple of gay personals / hook up websites started vetting their users – turning them away if they didn’t meet the minimum physical or masculine qualifications. one of the sites then went on to advertise how superior it was because its founders were far more masculine since they were good ole country boys and would never be seen in drag at a charity run like a couple from san francisco who runs a popular competitor. basically calling the SF couple fags and trying to intimate that made them and their website inferior. (it should also be noted this couple doesn’t vet their members the same way a few other sites do).

reading this study and putting it together with these recent events i realized gays are often their own worst enemy. we spend so much time fighting each other for silly reasons in this country that there’s no possible we could unite to fight for equal rights. hell we actually have 3 separate organizations who are funded to fight for our rights and even they spend alot of their time fighting each other. it’s a lost cause right now. we’re so worried about which subgroup we fit in and how much better it is than any of the others that we can’t get our shit together. this is totally the cop mentality regarding gangs in the 80s (or alternately the CIA mentality regarding latin america or the middle east) – as long as they’re just killing each other, why should we stop them. right? let them destroy each other, save us the trouble. we’re saving the evangelicals the trouble of having to face a united front. (the democrats are typically guilty of the exact weakness.)

i know this spun off a far ways from a simple paper on the word gay vs. fag, especially as i can’t see a near term future in the US (or many other places, have you seen what’s up in Australia lately?) where masculinity isn’t so idolized that derogatory terms for effeminate men hold no power. i don’t believe we can stop the power of the word faggot until we can unite and start moving forward together. and even then, i don’t think the word will disappear.

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3 Responses to “fuckin faggot”

  1. 1 Vytaut

    Oh…i so envy you. I always dreamed of knowing what it’s like to be pushed around, so you could turn around and fight back, since you can’t always live in fear, i was never the bully myself, i could say i was neutral.

  2. 2 Miles

    what a Fuckin Faggot!!


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