5 Months of Frustration Later
i can’t believe i’ve reached a stage in my life where my happiness appears to totally depend on other people, but it’s true. (i guess at least it doesn’t depend on things, right?) this places an undue burden on other people, a burden i would never expect y’all to carry so i’ve tried not to tell you that this what’s happening. not to let on that being around my pals or talking to special folks i don’t get to be around is what makes me truly happy. complete. now i think about it and look back, this has probably always been the case, or at least been the case ever since i met the close friends who i still count among the people i am closest to in this world. these people have always meant so much to me, and always brought me happiness. and not being with them has always made me a little sadder.
i don’t think i am alone in this. i suspect that others i am close to feel this way. they’ve talked to me about not being around enough people they feel close to the same way we feel close to each other. i think there are others too. i think it’s curious that many of us try to turn to buddhism, whether strictly or loosely, to see if that will help become more casual about our reliance on relationships and make us happier. but buddhism is a practice, right? you have to work at it to get better, and in truth i think those of us in this situation prefer to work on developing relationships. and so we become more attached, not less. i have seen others guilty of this, and this week saw myself fall victim.
and then i see so many couples who are so happy. so i don’t know. i am so confused that i’d really like to run away from it all, but all i can think about is running away with someone special. making our escape. i feel weak, frail. i feel like i have failed myself.
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